Today on Paws 4 Thought I’m excited to welcome RL Andrew who recently published her debut novel the awesomely titled A Lunatic’s Guide to Interplanetary Relationships.
- Tell us a little bit about yourself.
I’m a former Legal Executive, chronically ill Australian writer, Movie Reviewer, mother of three adult daughters and grandmother (aka Grammy) to two grandchildren. Along with many short stories published in International Anthologies I’m also a regular, long term contributor to the CrypticRock.com Website based in New York.
(RL Andrew has a wonderful story in once of the horror anthologies I edited, Sins of the Future. Be sure to check it out, DMK)
I live in a regional city in Victoria, Australia, where I’ve been for around thirty years. Early next year my husband and I will be moving back to the place I grew up in where he will work as a full time bee keeper.
- Who are your favorite authors?
Edgar Allan Poe
The Soska Sisters
- Tell us a bit about your new book, A Lunatic’s Guide To Interplanetary Relationships? (I love the title by the way. Reminds a lot of my favorite author Douglas Adams!)
Thank you so much. I grew tired of reading stories containing main characters with ordinary flaws, none over the age of 35 nor any sick ones. I’ve got a crazy imagination and one day the idea came to me. In many ways Shayne’s the physical embodiment of personality traits that frustrate and irritate me in people I’ve met or come across. She does get her darkness and sarcasm from me and her small stature. That’s about where the similarities end. As for Annu all his good qualities come from my husband and other close men in my life. In regards to the rest of their and other character’s traits are all fiction.
When perpetual screw-up Shayne James is transported from Earth to another planet, she has no idea she’s the key to saving the universe. When Annu discovers this puny human on his planet, little does he know that she’s the key to the two of them defeating the enemy. He finds her irritating, annoying, and somewhat attractive! If they don’t kill each other, or get killed by an unknown force attempting to take over the universe, they might live happily ever after.
(That sounds a lot of fun. I can’t wait to read it, DMK)
- If you could travel back in time to any place and period in the past where and when would you go?
Back to the time of creation when everything was apparently perfect.
- Do you have any pets? (Pictures please! We love to see furry friends here on Paws 4 Thought!)
We have one pet – a chocolate labrador named Max.
(Hi Max – he’s a cutie! DMK)
- What are you currently reading?
A day with an Extraterrestrial by Lou Baldin
The Anunaki of Niribu by Gerald Clark
The Hidden History of the Human Race by Michael A Cremo
- So what’s next? What are you working now?
The sequel ‘A Demigoddess’s Guide to Menopause and Marriage’ is currently in revision stage and I’m plotting book three – A Demigoddess’s Guide to an Interplanetary Apocalypse. (Adore those titles, DMK)
- What do you like to do to relax?
When I’m able to I go out in my garden and weed or tidy up. I also enjoy baking and watching horror movies, which I review for a New York based website. Purely for the experience and I’ve made some amazing contacts.
- Tell us a fun fact about Australia that my readers might not know?
Well for starters we live in towns and cities just like you guys. And while in some more country areas you see Kangaroos and Emus they aren’t wandering our streets. Oh and despite how it looks Vegemite on toast is delicious.
Would you like to read a little of A Lunatic’s Guide to Interplanetary Relationships? Sure you would:
Chapter 1: Crazy Like a Falling Coconut
Ardrossan, Adelaide, South Australia, Australia, Earth
How did I, Shayne James, a Demi-Goddess and daughter of the Great God Ki, end up in a nut house? It’s God damned ridiculous. Literally. I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t do another night in this stupid place.
Shayne shook the gate; her fingers ached and rust embedded beneath her nails. “What kind of screwed up torture is this? Haven’t I suffered enough?”
She surveyed the yard for Geoffrey from Ward 3, her one true fan, believer and stalker. Where he went, hospital staff followed. Yard all clear, Shayne counted on her fingers. “How many weeks have I spent in this shit hole?”
2 or 3? Fuck. I don’t know.
The medication they’d thrust into her made time a slippery worm difficult to grasp. The morning’s pills jiggled next to her phone in Shayne’s pocket. She’d hide them with the others. The few missed days cleared her brain and the memories returned. The instant their effects wore off, Shayne realised the governmental nightmare with its hard beds, terrible food, and bad TV, interfered with her true destiny on another planet.
Shayne kicked the metal lock. Pain shot through her foot. “Shit. Crap.”
She hopped in a circle and cursed dodgy hips connected to short legs. The bastards prevented her climbing up the Wistingera hedge beside the gate without assistance, and she couldn’t find anyone to hold her steady without grabbing her arse.
Can’t get out the gate, can’t break the fence, can’t climb the hedge. I’ve tried all the doors. Which leaves what exactly?
Shayne breathed in crazy free air and ran through other options. “Oh fuck it. I can’t think of any. What to do, what to do?”
Her shoulders drooped; Shayne’s freedom remained as distant as Orion.
Even if I did escape, what then? How do I get home and back to Orion? Why can’t a wormhole just appear right here? Huh?
Frustrated with her lack of control, Shayne grabbed the top fence rail and shook. Each rattle represented wasted minutes spent there and the time taken from her future with Annu. The strive for freedom pulsed through her, it interrupted her thoughts and shoved her out of bed each morning. All to face a day filled with half baked escape concepts and pleas to release her Godly self.
Shayne moved her anger down a rung. “That nobody fucking listens to.”
Her arms ached; she relent her hold on the fence. Shayne shifted from the gate across to the hedge filling the fence and smushed into the middle of it. The faint scent of rosemary comforted her, a fresh wave of memories flooded Shayne’s mind.
Shayne wriggled her middle finger, not a scar or mark indicated its former separation.
I can’t believe I got a finger chopped off and it grew back, let alone all the other stuff.
Before being found on the pantry floor by her son and taken to the hospital, Annu held Shayne in his arms inside a stone room. Both Demi-Gods fresh from ascension, and filled with universal power. All they’d been through to get there seemed like a dream, and she’d fucked it up.
Shayne in the ultimate moment of stupidity mentioned Earth one too many times, and in a flash a wormhole ripped Shayne back to her home planet and away from love.
True fucking love and shit too.
Annu’s shocked expression tormented her. “Damn you medication for making me forget it even for one second.”
A branch stuck into her back, Shayne wriggled further onto the hospital’s back lawn, a large pile of dried bird poop on her right fared better than her. “We did everything right and in return we weren’t given time to soak in our success; the greatest moment of existence. Let alone kiss and enjoy things. No, not me. I got cosmically shafted. As usual.”
Shayne yanked out a wad of grass and tossed it to the side. “I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind, there’s something pleasant about that place, even your emotions had a gecko, and so much pace. Mmm. Does that make me crazyyyy? Does that make me–oh wait apparently it does.”
Neighbourhood dogs howled, a flock of magpies a few metres ahead shot into the air.
Bastards don’t appreciate a good voice. Oh what does it matter? My new life waits on the other side of the Galaxy, through the stupid wormhole–an hour and a half, several security guards, and several door alarms from here.
Shayne resigned herself to no knight in shining armour arriving to rescue her from the current dilemma.
Rather, a retard in tin foil waited on this one planet, on the hospital lawn, deep in thought and determined. “It’s not the first time I’ve saved myself. It’s probably like the third. Surely I can do it again?”
I miss my chocolate hulk.
Shayne shook her head, Annu lingered in her mind. Her belly gurgled, doubt poked into her thoughts.
Is he still waiting for me? No, he probably gave up, and I can’t blame him. He’s probably relishing in glory–alone.
Shayne tried to twirl her jade ring, its absence on her naked finger shot another wave of panic through Shayne. She’d grown accustomed to the odd piece of jewellery despite its catalytic nature.
Where did it go? I must have lost it when I burst through the wall. It’s got to be under the pantry shelf.
Shayne massaged a lump in her shoulder and sighed. “Another thing that doesn’t matter because I’m not getting out right now, so fuck it and fuck them.”
She scanned again for any sign of staff; all clear. Eyes squinted; she pulled out a smoke and lit it. Shayne inhaled to her lungs’ capacity, held the breath and fought coughing.
Hold it in, don’t waste it. Any second now it will be worth it. You’ve got to cough to get off don’t you?
The scratch in her lungs eased, a warm rush numbed her senses and removed life’s edges. While it didn’t remove the body pain, it made not caring about it easier.
Want to read more? Pick up a copy of A Lunatic’s Guide to Interplanetary Relationships today.
Keep updated on RL Andrew:
Articles & Reviews: www.CrypticRock.com